This is the hardest it’s ever been. Everything in my life up until today pales, when held up against it. I’m talking about the loss of my sister when I was in my early twenties, to the loss of my eldest son’s biological father, a few years after. Both to suicide. My sister and her husband died together and they are buried together.
Mr Notebook has been in our eldest sons life since he was six years old. Yesterday was the hardest day for us. For the whole family. Nobody has died and yet it feels worse than that.
It wasn’t my intention to write about this but I don’t know where else or how else to deal with the pain that feels like it is physically breaking my heart. My son is Schizophrenic. He doesn’t think he is unwell. That is a symptom of his illness. I love him so much but he won’t let me or anybody help. He can become aggressive. He can become violent. It’s not like the media makes it out to be though. He’s neither normally a violent or aggressive person. He’s actually lovely and intelligent and has a deep affection for animals. When he is well he is awesome and a joy to be around. He loves history and enjoys gaming and he’s also very funny and often makes us laugh with his humour. I love him so much. When he becomes very unwell, the illness has taken him over. His perception of reality is altered.
I’m more sad than I have ever been. I feel wrong writing about this. I’m not trying to be disloyal. I’m just trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. I can’t see the way through this. I’m so afraid for my son. xo